none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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