this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
