just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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