Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
