i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
