On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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