nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
