You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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