1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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