When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
this will be a night to untag.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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