im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
