my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
