You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
