I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
