i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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