Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
