you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
