Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
