People in love make me want to vomit
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
