We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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