Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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