it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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