don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
