You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
