I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i drank out of a bidet.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
