my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
