she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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