The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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