I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
