a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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