I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
