Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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