based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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