I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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