My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
