I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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