Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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