I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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