Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
