Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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