something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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