I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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