Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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