**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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