I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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