hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
