this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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