my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
