Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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