i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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